Why Is Our Love Language Important?
The Other Key
As Andrew and I were planning our wedding and even on our wedding day there were people that encouraged us to be good communicators. A marriage with two good communicators stays healthy and making sure that you are constantly working through things is so important. One thing that no one told us, but I think every couple, newly married or married for years should know, is that communication is not the only key.
Communication opens the door for discussion but if two people don’t know how to fix the others problems then all you can do is kind of talk it to death. Andrew and I were blessed to learn early on that the other key for marriage is learning your spouse’s love language. Communicating with words is vital but if you don’t know the right language will the other person be able to understand what you are trying to say?
Why That Love Language?
Years ago, a man named Gary Chapman wrote a book called, “The Five Love Languages.” At the time I’m not sure if he fully knew what that book would become but I know that God did. In this book Mr. Chapman shares about the 5 different love languages men and women have: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. He explains that we have “love tanks” and that if our tanks are not being filled it begins to cause problems.
The book is much more in-depth with every language and the ways to find your own love language and how to speak your spouse’s. The thing it doesn’t tell you is what to do when you have your love language.
Andrew and I took the quiz while dating and we took it after marriage. The past few times I have taken it my dominant language is gifts. Now, when you are trying to budget wisely and knock out student loans gifts aren’t really top of the list. For awhile my tank was being filled because Andrew was speaking my second top language, acts of service. With a new job came a new schedule and that was no longer a possibility. I started to feel distant and we knew there was a problem.
Do you know how hard it is to sit down and tell your husband he needs to buy you things because you don’t feel loved when he doesn’t? It’s awful! I felt terrible the whole time bringing it up. I knew we were on a budget and I knew that this seemed so selfish but in all honesty, I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t pretend it was all okay when I was feeling this way. I kept asking God, “Why did it have to be this? Why gifts?” I never really got a response but I learned something in the process, honesty.
They Need to Know
Husbands and wives alike may read about having a love language and laugh it off or brush it off as silly, but understanding this is so important. Life gets busy, routines happen and marriages can often fall into a pattern. We say good morning, kiss goodnight and call it good. Both are wanting more, both may even be feeling unloved or unappreciated but neither one wants to admit it. More often than not the only problem is the wife speaks one language and the husband speaks another and they don’t know how to convey their love in the others language.
For example, I can buy my husband a gift every week and try to make him feel loved because that is how I feel loved but it’s not going to work. Why? Because his dominant language is physical touch. If I bought him gifts for a week but never hugged him or touched him he would begin to feel as if things were going all wrong.
It is not that my love for him isn’t there it’s just that I’m trying to make him feel loved in my language instead of his.
Remember that talk I mentioned about telling him my language and needing him to buy me things? Well, it went better than expected. He completely understood and even budgeted in a certain amount for him to have every two weeks to surprise me with little goodies here and there.
I felt selfish going into it and I’m still learning to love my language but God gave me this language for a reason. The big milestone for me was being honest with my husband and sharing with him what I was feeling. Ladies, we can’t expect our husbands to know what is going on if we never sit down and say it. Don’t confront them just find a time to gently share your heart.
Why are love languages important? Because they allow us to have a special way to make our spouses feel loved and it should be our pleasure to make sure that the person we vowed to love, honor and cherish really knows that we mean those words now and 50 years from now.
If you want to know what your love language is you can find the quiz at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/